After years of bitching about the worst things about advertising--the HR robots, the swoopy hiring and firing practices, the ticking time bombs on the account side, I've finally tallied up the votes, and looked at the focus group feedback, and hands down, I can tell you people the worst thing about advertising: CLIENTS.

Duh. Why didn't we know this sooner?

Because clients don't know anything but how much money they have to spend on the "necessary evil" of advertising, but suddenly know everything once you've sweated blood to get them their shit on time and under budget. Why didn't i see it before??

And based on this new information, I've decided to throw my weight into a fiendish plan to eliminate all clients from the planet or at reduce them like noxious emissions that wreck the ozone.

One way would be to simply destroy the economy fully, but then, i mean, where would i get a decent cocktail? Begging for change? No. I can't be hasty.

Plan B is to just destroy the credibility of all advertising. However, that is already well underway, undertaken by every agency that thinks seeding company paid blogs with stellar PR copy about how crappy their competitors are is a cogent strategic way to do business. Or of course, all the "viral" work that is out there now. Bravo. Still, these damned clients are not going away! What about eliminating capitalism? Hmm. Nope, it already broke up the soviet union. Scratch that. Okay, I've got it: we somehow make a big giant reflector dish that causes intense triangulated brainwaves to grow when focused on the national headquarters of each client, starting at the stupidest, which means, the richest. Let's take, i dunno, P&G or Microsoft or something. If we can point this giant brain-wave enhancing solar collecter dish at them long enough, either their brains will grow immensely to the point where they simply create this stuff themselves--BRILLIANT--or merely burn up like bugs under a magnifying glass--leaving all their money for us to use for humanitarian purposes (like drinking) and not have to stay and do pitch work all night for loser clients who are rich and have to go on vacation next week so, hurry the fuck up, okay?

Christ. Get that death ray thing together people, time is money.